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Reasons for a narcissist's anger

Those of you who have encountered a narcissist will know that they have an inability to manage anger in a successful manner. You may have even called them out for their anger issues only to be met with a dismissive reply. Although we may be able to see their flaws, they are unfortunately unable to process and understand the reasons behind their angry outbursts. It’s very uncommon for a narcissist to take responsibility for the anger they display, instead they are blame shifters and will most likely blame the other person for the way that they feel rather than looking within themselves. In their eyes the problem will always be the other person and never themselves. Their self-aggrandising attitude makes them believe that they are perfect and that everyone else needs to change to fit in with their way of being. Let’s look at some of the underlying reasons for a narcissist’s anger. Deep down they are experiencing a lot of internal pain that will probably date back to their early child
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Healing isn't as easy as putting a plaster on the wound

As an abuse survivor, I know that we need to be patient with ourselves in our healing process and learn how to self-soothe and care for ourselves. In that process, we may need to make very difficult life decisions that involve moving on from certain people in our lives who wish to hurt us. I guess that’s when we become aware that we are indeed initiating self-care and putting ourselves first rather than following the idealised views of others in society. What saddens me, is the fact that some people are unable to show the same patience with an abuse survivor and instead view them as selfish or stuck in the past. Some of those people are unable to see that an abuse survivor may need to distance themselves from certain places or people in order to heal and become stronger. Instead they tell a survivor that they should make the effort to see people who hurt them and move on from their past. But how can an abuse survivor move on from their past when certain people are insensitive or want
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Self-empowerment

It would seem that year upon year more stories emerge about child sexual abuse within the church and its ongoing attempts to cover up crimes. I recently came across a film made in 1990 called Judgment, which is based on a true story about a young boy who was sexually abused by his local priest. I’m sure that when the film came out in the 90s it was ground breaking in contrast to current headlines which often include this familiar theme. A couple of things have spurred me on to write this post, perhaps the most significant one was the very moving scene at the end of the film where the young boy trashed his bedroom as a way of releasing the inner rage he was clearly experiencing. It’s a scene that I could relate to in many ways, and seeing it re-enacted so convincingly had quite an impact. Survivors can be triggered at any given moment and that’s also something I wanted to expand on. In another scene in the film, the boy’s father was about to beat the boy and yelled, “Take your pants
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Walking the path of a client

I can only take others as far as I’ve come, that’s why it’s so essential for counsellors to walk the path of a client and evolve as a person. When I see a client with low self-esteem sat before me who struggled to make it to the session, I remind myself of the day when I just about dragged myself out of bed and attended my first therapy session in my pyjamas. At least I made it, but I can relate to that heavy feeling that doesn’t want us to leave the house and face our shadow side. That’s what enables me to have empathy for those walking a similar path to that which I have taken. I applaud those who have the courage to take that first step towards healing, not knowing what demons they may have to face along the way. We’ve probably all met people who are in denial in our lives, those that say “I don’t need counselling” whilst they harbour resentment for the attention they never received as a child and suppress it with drink or other methods. And while we may be able to see how they de
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Retraumatisation

Retraumatisation can happen at any time to an abuse survivor, perhaps catching them unawares when they thought they were doing okay. We’re only human, I’m only human and I have felt inspired to write this piece after being retraumatised recently in the hope that I may process my thoughts and feelings and perhaps offer insight to other survivors. For some, spending time with family evokes happy memories, and feelings of safety and comfort, but for many abuse survivors it can be just the opposite. And yet we feel obliged to spend time with family because it’s the done thing, regardless of our feelings - which we may not believe are valid or worthy. However, I feel there comes a time in the healing process when we realise that we no longer have to force ourselves to relive situations, feelings or memories with people who disregard or disrespect us. My recent experience was a painful one provoked by a family member blurting out my abuser’s name, which shook me to the core, so much so
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Surviving the Christmas holidays

The Christmas holiday season can be filled with angst, grief and pain, and is a challenging time for many. As a survivor and practising psychotherapist, I am very aware of the anxiety and struggles that trauma survivors experience prior to the holidays. The decision to spend time with family may be made out of obligation and wanting to please others. However, while some families prepare for happy reunions, many trauma survivors dread the holidays and the thought of spending time with family members who may have been the source of their trauma. Time spent with family can trigger painful memories and grief, especially if the family are insensitive and mention the abuser’s name or other family members who may have disbelieved the survivor. Self-compassion The holidays can bring up some very difficult feelings in our mind as well as the body, which stores trauma within, so self-compassion is important during this time. You may find yourself overindulging to comfort yourself; if that’s
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How some people react needs to change

Throughout these changing times, many people have been subjected to a variety of emotions and experiences that may have had a big impact on their mental health. However, I feel that some people forget or perhaps just don’t understand the additional effects that abuse survivors may have felt during these uncertain times. During lockdown, I noticed behavioural changes in people - some good and some downright shocking. I feel that what perturbed me the most was people’s reactions to others not wearing masks and the instant judgement that was made in terms of non mask wearers ‘doing wrong.’ But it would appear that these reactive people failed to see beyond the mask and the reality of what some people face every day as a result of mental illness or inner struggles. The UK government stated that one didn’t need to wear a mask if you “cannot put on, wear, or remove a face covering without severe distress” or “because of a mental or physical illness.” But I don’t believe that the governm
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