The Blemished Rose

It would seem that year upon year more stories emerge about child sexual abuse within the church and its ongoing attempts to cover up crimes. I recently came across a film made in 1990 called Judgment, which is based on a true story about a young boy who was sexually abused by his local priest. I’m sure that when the film came out in the 90s it was ground breaking in contrast to current headlines which often include this familiar theme. A couple of things have spurred me on to write this post, perhaps the most significant one was the very moving scene at the end of the film where the young boy trashed his bedroom as a way of releasing the inner rage he was clearly experiencing. It’s a scene that I could relate to in many ways, and seeing it re-enacted so convincingly had quite an impact. Survivors can be triggered at any given moment and that’s also something I wanted to expand on. In another scene in the film, the boy’s father was about to beat the boy and yelled, “Take your pants ...

I can only take others as far as I’ve come, that’s why it’s so essential for counsellors to walk the path of a client and evolve as a person. When I see a client with low self-esteem sat before me who struggled to make it to the session, I remind myself of the day when I just about dragged myself out of bed and attended my first therapy session in my pyjamas. At least I made it, but I can relate to that heavy feeling that doesn’t want us to leave the house and face our shadow side. That’s what enables me to have empathy for those walking a similar path to that which I have taken. I applaud those who have the courage to take that first step towards healing, not knowing what demons they may have to face along the way. We’ve probably all met people who are in denial in our lives, those that say “I don’t need counselling” whilst they harbour resentment for the attention they never received as a child and suppress it with drink or other methods. And while we may be able to see how they de...

During the current coronavirus situation, more and more people are turning to the media as a source of information, which results in additional anxiety and fear. I see a major flaw in the way that the media communicates with the public as they don’t appear to consider those who are mentally suffering. I often hear ‘we must all pull together in this crisis’, which is all very well for those who are able, but what about those who are already mentally unstable? A depressed person, for example, may not feel able to ‘do their bit for the community’ as just getting out of bed may feel like a chore for them. As a result, they may feel worse about themselves for not being able to help and feelings of guilt may arise.  How has the lockdown affected you? You may have experienced a whirlwind of emotions as your life has changed drastically. In particular, if your life purpose or livelihood has been pulled from under your feet and you wonder what you have left to live for. Thoughts of se...

I have been inspired to write this post following a chat with other survivors about ‘turning points’ in the healing process. It is evident that turning points don’t always appear obvious at the time because it is a gradual journey, but looking back on our path we are able to see just how far we have come. In my experience, the first significant turning point was finding my voice through poetry; a gift that had remained dormant for years since I first discovered my love for it as a child. Poetry was my way of freely expressing myself and reclaiming a part of myself that had been lost for a long time. I must also mention the book ‘The Courage to Heal’ which inspired me to do written exercises and connect with my inner child. The stories included in the book by other survivors really gave me hope that I would heal and move on to a more fulfilling life. In hindsight, I can see how this was possible through years of reflection, perseverance and support. This blog has also been my wa...

PTSD often causes physical symptoms in people due to a release of hormones. People with PTSD will often keep releasing these hormones even when no longer in danger as ‘fight or flight’ is the natural learnt response. Recently I explained the process of flashbacks to colleagues, and thought it might be worth writing about from first-hand knowledge. In essence, flashbacks are an experience in which one relives a traumatic event and feels as though it is happening at that moment; they're often a result of PTSD, which can be a unique experience to each person that experiences it. When I endured flashbacks, my body would become rigid and I would feel like I was back in that awful place from my past. They would usually be brief but I believe that for some people they can persist for hours or even days. Overall, the flashbacks felt horrible and I often felt so alone and helpless during those episodes. Thankfully I had a great therapist who helped me to cope with them and eventually I ...

On the morning of my recent birthday this year, I quietly contemplated my life and previous celebrations. A tear rolled down my cheek as I started to remember my younger self trying to look happy, but on the inside she was in pain and felt very confused. It was such a powerful memory because as I delved deep inside my soul, I was able to tap into a buried emotion that I didn’t know still existed. Upon reflection, I realise that I felt overwhelmed by people’s kindness and attention on that annual day; behaviour that can easily confuse a child who is being abused. And the end of the day would culminate in an anti-climax that would often lead me to feel very low and tearful. That poor little girl was crying out for help internally but no one could hear her. Over the years I haven’t always enjoyed or wanted to celebrate my birthday and I now understand why. The low self-worth that was ingrained from a young age remained with me for a long time, and as a result, I didn’t feel worthy of ...

Child sexual abuse (CSA) has lifelong effects that are often not recognised or understood. Sexual abuse usually takes place in secret and is therefore kept secret. Due to the silence surrounding CSA, children are forced to endure the abuse and its effects alone. As a result, adult survivors often continue to feel alone and isolated. It is quite common for survivors to not remember the details but only have a vague recollection that something wrong has happened. As a child I learnt many coping mechanisms, one of which was to pretend nothing was wrong. My story had been written but I decided to rip it to shreds, lock it up in a cupboard and throw away the key. That locked cupboard remained untouched for many years until one tragic day; the day I found the key to my inner pain and depression. During the ensuing period I can only describe what I experienced as shock and inner turmoil. My whole life had been turned upside down in a split second and I felt alone and helpless. It would be...