The Blemished Rose

On the morning of my recent birthday this year, I quietly contemplated my life and previous celebrations. A tear rolled down my cheek as I started to remember my younger self trying to look happy, but on the inside she was in pain and felt very confused. It was such a powerful memory because as I delved deep inside my soul, I was able to tap into a buried emotion that I didn’t know still existed. Upon reflection, I realise that I felt overwhelmed by people’s kindness and attention on that annual day; behaviour that can easily confuse a child who is being abused. And the end of the day would culminate in an anti-climax that would often lead me to feel very low and tearful. That poor little girl was crying out for help internally but no one could hear her. Over the years I haven’t always enjoyed or wanted to celebrate my birthday and I now understand why. The low self-worth that was ingrained from a young age remained with me for a long time, and as a result, I didn’t feel worthy of ...

Child sexual abuse (CSA) has lifelong effects that are often not recognised or understood. Sexual abuse usually takes place in secret and is therefore kept secret. Due to the silence surrounding CSA, children are forced to endure the abuse and its effects alone. As a result, adult survivors often continue to feel alone and isolated. It is quite common for survivors to not remember the details but only have a vague recollection that something wrong has happened. As a child I learnt many coping mechanisms, one of which was to pretend nothing was wrong. My story had been written but I decided to rip it to shreds, lock it up in a cupboard and throw away the key. That locked cupboard remained untouched for many years until one tragic day; the day I found the key to my inner pain and depression. During the ensuing period I can only describe what I experienced as shock and inner turmoil. My whole life had been turned upside down in a split second and I felt alone and helpless. It would be...

In my last two posts I described my recent experience of EMDR and how it really helped me. In this post I’d like to explain in further detail why I needed that therapy. As a result of being frequently reminded of my past, I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was suffering from the most typical symptom – re-experiencing. I was involuntarily and vividly reliving the traumatic event in the form of nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts and images.  I would panic and feel angry when reminded of the trauma. I was frequently anxious and found it difficult to relax and sleep. In addition, my physical health was affected, I suffered from headaches, dizziness and stomach problems. The part of the brain that is responsible for memory and emotion is called the hippocampus. In people with PTSD, the hippocampus may appear smaller in size and therefore the malfunctioning hippocampus is unable to properly process memories and flashbacks. Treatment of PTSD results in process...

I’ve decided to write a follow-up post about my experience of EMDR therapy. I want to share my experience as much as possible in the hope that other survivors will become aware of how beneficial EMDR can be. I didn’t know anything about EMDR prior to my counsellor suggesting it but when I did my own research, I found it quite fascinating.                         I’m going to try to analyse my own case. I was sexually abused repeatedly over many years so my natural coping mechanisms became overloaded. As a result, the memories remained frozen in my brain and unprocessed, in a raw form. Every time I heard the perpetrator's name I would experience painful feelings such as panic and anger, those feelings were constantly triggered and I was unable to live in the present. EMDR enabled me to process the traumatic memories in a natural way and has enabled me to live in the present again.             ...

Over the past 4 months I’ve been having counselling sessions due to the fact that I’ve been involuntarily living in the past. The biggest trigger I have had to deal with has been mention of the abuser, which has often caught me unawares. For most of the year I have been on tenterhooks, wondering when the perpetrator’s name would be mentioned. Due to these common occurrences, I significantly lost confidence and had low self-esteem.           I’ve often wondered why the human body can heal itself from physical wounds whereas mental wounds are harder to heal. That’s why counselling of any kind is extremely beneficial and being in control of our mental health is very important. I am so grateful to my counsellor who suggested EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing). EMDR is quite amazing as it assists the natural healing ability of the body.               ...

Last year I didn’t write many posts because it was quite a tough year for me. I haven’t felt like writing but now I feel I should because what I write might help or reassure others in some way. I returned home after a long stint in Asia, to visit family and due to the fact that a family member had been seriously ill. As a result of that illness the family member, who I will refer to as Bob, has developed dementia. Obviously it has affected my entire family in different ways and it has affected me in ways I never expected. The main problems I have faced are the fact that Bob will mention my abuser in conversation at any given moment. Initially I wasn’t prepared for that and it would trigger me immensely. Bob also seems to have forgotten that I was abused by this other family member, so that is equally upsetting and very difficult for me to deal with. My health has also suffered and my ongoing stomach problems have intensified due to the stress. I was finally diagnosed with IBS tow...

I feel the need to write a post today due to the injustice that continues to happen in the world. The recent UK scandal involving Jimmy Savile is sickening, not only the way he abused his power and took advantage of vulnerable children, but also the fact that many people turned a blind eye. I believe that anyone who knows of abuse taking place but doesn’t intervene, should also be blamed for the wrongdoing; they are accomplices in a crime. My aunt, for example, knew I was abused but let it continue year after year. I blame her for not having the courage to confront her brother or report him. I really feel for the hundreds of people who were abused by Savile years ago but I admire their strength for coming forward. I only hope that they are compensated with the earnings that the criminal didn’t deserve. I also respect Savile’s family for removing his gravestone. In turn, it has made me angry to think that some of my family paid for a headstone for my abuser. I do not believe he, or ...

I mentioned in a previous post how music can trigger good or bad memories. I’m sure that most people can relate to this. Today a song played during the closing credits of a TV programme and it triggered an old memory. The song was “Shout” by Tears for Fears. Listening to that song took me back to the summer of 1985 in Italy, when I was 7. A young Italian boy there didn’t speak English but he knew the lyrics to that song and he kept singing over and over: “Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without” The lyrics are rather poignant and it’s ironic how the boy didn’t understand what he was singing. That boy was another one of the poor children who suffered at the hands of my abusive uncle. The point I’m trying to make with this post is that survivors don’t constantly live in the past, however, there are things that may happen in our everyday lives that force us to remember the times that weren’t so nice. Many of us have memories that have been repressed for m...

As I’ve previously mentioned in posts, I’ve reignited my passion for the things I loved doing as a child, such as: writing poetry and songs, drawing, taking photos and dancing. Ballet was always my first passion and I started training at 4 years old. I’ve started doing more ballet recently for pure enjoyment and because it’s such a good form of physical exercise. As I’ve started remembering steps and things I learnt, I’ve also started remembering things I experienced in the dance world. I have fond memories of dance competitions I took part in and a memory of an adjudicator referring to me as “a budding little dancer.” It was when I got older that I experienced how cutthroat the theatre world really can be. A theatre performance can seem so glamorous with all the fancy costumes, dazzling smiles and dramatic lighting but the real drama often happens behind the scenes in a world that is so competitive. Performers can be so critical of one another, as well as themselves, and won’t hesitat...

About 4 years ago, I started taking self-portraits; I didn’t really know why I was taking them other than for enjoyment. I would usually take the photos when I was in a particular mood, for example if I was feeling very happy or a little sad. In the past couple of months I’ve realised the reason behind my self-portraits, I believe they are for therapeutic purposes. After having felt so ugly and worthless for many years, the photos have helped me improve my confidence and self-esteem. In some photos, I do ballet poses; I feel this has helped me connect even more with my inner child who loved ballet so much. I’ve not only developed a photographic journal but also a love and passion for photography and modelling. Photography was another hobby I enjoyed as a child but as I gradually gave up on life, I inevitably gave up on my creative skills too. I’ve been reflecting on my life and, although I’ve been successful in the things I’ve chosen to do, I also feel that so many years were wasted....

There are many issues I’ve had to work through, some of which I’m still challenged with today. I’ve found it useful if I can analyze why I feel certain emotions in different situations and the triggers that can cause my mood to change so quickly. In a previous post, I wrote about the fact that bathrooms are a huge trigger. To recap, as a child I’d frequently be on the toilet and the abuser would be outside the door trying to come in (my cousin would often be in the room with me, holding the door). Bathrooms have been a challenge but I’ve found a few ways to make it easier, such as: leaving the bathroom door open when at home or only using toilets I’ve used before and feel comfortable with. My biggest challenge has probably been here in China, where I live. The toilets here are often dirty, squat toilets and, in schools, they rarely have a door. I’ve visited many schools around China for my job and if I need to use the bathroom, I don’t know what to expect until I get there. A rece...