The Blemished Rose

As an abuse survivor, I know that we need to be patient with ourselves in our healing process and learn how to self-soothe and care for ourselves. In that process, we may need to make very difficult life decisions that involve moving on from certain people in our lives who wish to hurt us. I guess that’s when we become aware that we are indeed initiating self-care and putting ourselves first rather than following the idealised views of others in society. What saddens me, is the fact that some people are unable to show the same patience with an abuse survivor and instead view them as selfish or stuck in the past. Some of those people are unable to see that an abuse survivor may need to distance themselves from certain places or people in order to heal and become stronger. Instead they tell a survivor that they should make the effort to see people who hurt them and move on from their past. But how can an abuse survivor move on from their past when certain people are insensitive or want ...

Retraumatisation can happen at any time to an abuse survivor, perhaps catching them unawares when they thought they were doing okay. We’re only human, I’m only human and I have felt inspired to write this piece after being retraumatised recently in the hope that I may process my thoughts and feelings and perhaps offer insight to other survivors. For some, spending time with family evokes happy memories, and feelings of safety and comfort, but for many abuse survivors it can be just the opposite. And yet we feel obliged to spend time with family because it’s the done thing, regardless of our feelings - which we may not believe are valid or worthy. However, I feel there comes a time in the healing process when we realise that we no longer have to force ourselves to relive situations, feelings or memories with people who disregard or disrespect us. My recent experience was a painful one provoked by a family member blurting out my abuser’s name, which shook me to the core, so much so ...

The Christmas holiday season can be filled with angst, grief and pain, and is a challenging time for many. As a survivor and practising psychotherapist, I am very aware of the anxiety and struggles that trauma survivors experience prior to the holidays. The decision to spend time with family may be made out of obligation and wanting to please others. However, while some families prepare for happy reunions, many trauma survivors dread the holidays and the thought of spending time with family members who may have been the source of their trauma. Time spent with family can trigger painful memories and grief, especially if the family are insensitive and mention the abuser’s name or other family members who may have disbelieved the survivor. Self-compassion The holidays can bring up some very difficult feelings in our mind as well as the body, which stores trauma within, so self-compassion is important during this time. You may find yourself overindulging to comfort yourself; if that’s ...