The Blemished Rose

I have been inspired to write this post following a chat with other survivors about ‘turning points’ in the healing process. It is evident that turning points don’t always appear obvious at the time because it is a gradual journey, but looking back on our path we are able to see just how far we have come. In my experience, the first significant turning point was finding my voice through poetry; a gift that had remained dormant for years since I first discovered my love for it as a child. Poetry was my way of freely expressing myself and reclaiming a part of myself that had been lost for a long time. I must also mention the book ‘The Courage to Heal’ which inspired me to do written exercises and connect with my inner child. The stories included in the book by other survivors really gave me hope that I would heal and move on to a more fulfilling life. In hindsight, I can see how this was possible through years of reflection, perseverance and support. This blog has also been my wa...

On the morning of my recent birthday this year, I quietly contemplated my life and previous celebrations. A tear rolled down my cheek as I started to remember my younger self trying to look happy, but on the inside she was in pain and felt very confused. It was such a powerful memory because as I delved deep inside my soul, I was able to tap into a buried emotion that I didn’t know still existed. Upon reflection, I realise that I felt overwhelmed by people’s kindness and attention on that annual day; behaviour that can easily confuse a child who is being abused. And the end of the day would culminate in an anti-climax that would often lead me to feel very low and tearful. That poor little girl was crying out for help internally but no one could hear her. Over the years I haven’t always enjoyed or wanted to celebrate my birthday and I now understand why. The low self-worth that was ingrained from a young age remained with me for a long time, and as a result, I didn’t feel worthy of ...

Over the years I have had therapy with a number of counsellors and my experiences have varied. I feel that I am now at a point where I am able to reflect on what worked well for me and what didn’t. In this post I’d like to include some ideas for counsellors who are considering working with survivors of abuse and trauma. First session Consider the fact that the client may have never spoken about the abuse until the first session. Therefore, be mindful of how much information you ask of the client as you don’t want to re-traumatize. The client may have trust issues so a therapist needs to work towards building a good rapport and a trusting relationship. I would certainly advise against asking too many questions, which may feel like an interrogation to the client, and it might make the client feel judged and anxious. Comfort Tell your client that they can have comfort breaks if they wish. Anxiety can lead to an increased need to go to the toilet, and unfortunately if a cou...

When someone shares a difficult or painful story, it is sometimes hard to know what to say. But an uncomfortable silence can sometimes hurt us more than words. In the case of survivors of abuse, they have probably hidden their story for a long time. Therefore, breaking the silence is of utmost importance. So imagine how they might feel if their story and feelings are not acknowledged? Our response can be simple but effective, and most importantly it can show that we empathise. Whenever I listen to survivors and they share something that I sense is difficult, I say, “I’m sorry to hear about your experience, and I’m sorry that you are hurting right now.” My response not only shows empathy, but it also shows that I am joining the survivor in breaking the silence. I also thank survivors for sharing their story because I know how difficult it can be to put a traumatic experience into words. Unfortunately, some people are insensitive and ignorant, and they are the people that could b...

As a survivor of sexual abuse a term I’m familiar with, and have often experienced, is the fight or flight response. I believe it is our way of surviving instinctively when faced with traumatic situations. In my reflections over the past couple of months, I’ve noticed that in certain situations I feel unable to fight or walk away, instead I simply freeze. Intrigued by this revelation and interested in finding out more, I did some research and was relieved to find that the fight or flight response is now referred to as the fight, flight or freeze response. I’m sure we have all seen footage of predatory attacks where an animal suddenly “plays dead” in order to potentially survive. It’s interesting how humans adapt the same technique in dangerous situations. I recently saw a film of a polar bear being chased, he suddenly froze and his body started shaking. Seeing this image of the polar bear shaking made me cast my mind back to a traumatic event in my life. I remember the way my body sh...

The topic of suicide sometimes rears its head in the media but, like mental health, there is a stigma attached to it. I must admit that I’ve wanted to write about the subject for quite some time now but haven’t known how to broach the subject efficiently. I guess it’s a difficult subject for anyone to talk about but it’s not something that we can ignore as it affects so many people who are left behind. When I read accounts of families/friends who have lost loved ones to suicide, a frequent question asked is “Why did he/she do it?” It will always be impossible to know exactly why someone chose to end their life as there are lots of possible underlying reasons. However, it is worth noting that over 90% of people who die by suicide have a mental illness at the time of their death.  Everyone goes through rocky patches in their lives but some people have been dealt a tougher hand when it comes to life circumstances. Vulnerability to suicide could be a result of: a history of sex...

Following the meeting with my local MP, I have been forwarded the response by Alistair Burt (Minister of State for Community and Social Care). In the letter he states that improving mental health and treating mental illness are key priorities for NHS England. One of the core objectives is to put mental health on a par with physical health, and to close the gap between people with mental health problems and the population as a whole. According to Mr Burt, there is no cap on the number of counselling sessions per person. He goes on to say that whilst the Department of Health is responsible for setting the strategic direction of health and social care, local clinical commissioning groups are responsible for commissioning therapy sessions based on local need. He advised me to contact my local NHS with my concerns.  I have spoken with about 10 people in various parts of the UK who have also previously had counselling via the NHS. All of these people were offered a maximum of 6 c...

As a result of my last blog post I was spurred on to write to my local MP about mental health services in the UK. I was invited to his surgery and met him yesterday. I voiced my opinion and said that I am speaking on behalf of all survivors who are in need of support.                                                               We discussed support available to survivors during and after a court case. I spoke about my own experience and the fact that I received no support, unfortunately hit rock bottom and tried to take my life. Only then was I offered a lifeline, which in all honesty changed my life. I said that in my case, and in the case of many others, when we finally remember and admit what happened to us, our first instinct is to stop the perpetrator from reoffending. Obviously we are putting the safety of others b...