The Blemished Rose

It would seem that year upon year more stories emerge about child sexual abuse within the church and its ongoing attempts to cover up crimes. I recently came across a film made in 1990 called Judgment, which is based on a true story about a young boy who was sexually abused by his local priest. I’m sure that when the film came out in the 90s it was ground breaking in contrast to current headlines which often include this familiar theme. A couple of things have spurred me on to write this post, perhaps the most significant one was the very moving scene at the end of the film where the young boy trashed his bedroom as a way of releasing the inner rage he was clearly experiencing. It’s a scene that I could relate to in many ways, and seeing it re-enacted so convincingly had quite an impact. Survivors can be triggered at any given moment and that’s also something I wanted to expand on. In another scene in the film, the boy’s father was about to beat the boy and yelled, “Take your pants ...

I’ve decided to write a follow-up post about my experience of EMDR therapy. I want to share my experience as much as possible in the hope that other survivors will become aware of how beneficial EMDR can be. I didn’t know anything about EMDR prior to my counsellor suggesting it but when I did my own research, I found it quite fascinating.                         I’m going to try to analyse my own case. I was sexually abused repeatedly over many years so my natural coping mechanisms became overloaded. As a result, the memories remained frozen in my brain and unprocessed, in a raw form. Every time I heard the perpetrator's name I would experience painful feelings such as panic and anger, those feelings were constantly triggered and I was unable to live in the present. EMDR enabled me to process the traumatic memories in a natural way and has enabled me to live in the present again.             ...

Over the past 4 months I’ve been having counselling sessions due to the fact that I’ve been involuntarily living in the past. The biggest trigger I have had to deal with has been mention of the abuser, which has often caught me unawares. For most of the year I have been on tenterhooks, wondering when the perpetrator’s name would be mentioned. Due to these common occurrences, I significantly lost confidence and had low self-esteem.           I’ve often wondered why the human body can heal itself from physical wounds whereas mental wounds are harder to heal. That’s why counselling of any kind is extremely beneficial and being in control of our mental health is very important. I am so grateful to my counsellor who suggested EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing). EMDR is quite amazing as it assists the natural healing ability of the body.               ...

I am honoured and very proud to have been published by Survivors' Poetry in their Poetry Express Magazine. The six poems that were selected are very poignant because I wrote them last Spring when I faced new difficulties related to my past. I had to let out my feelings and emotions and, as I have done in the past, I used poetry as a release. About Survivors' Poetry, taken from their website: Survivors’ Poetry is a national charity established in 1991 which promotes the writing of survivors of mental distress. A Survivor may be a person with a current or past experience of psychiatric hospitals, ECT, tranquillisers or other medication, a user of counselling services, a survivor of sexual abuse, child abuse and any other person who has empathy with the experiences of survivors. Here is a link to edition 44 of the magazine featuring my poems on pages 36 and 37: http://www.survivorspoetry.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/PEN44.pdf

Last year I didn’t write many posts because it was quite a tough year for me. I haven’t felt like writing but now I feel I should because what I write might help or reassure others in some way. I returned home after a long stint in Asia, to visit family and due to the fact that a family member had been seriously ill. As a result of that illness the family member, who I will refer to as Bob, has developed dementia. Obviously it has affected my entire family in different ways and it has affected me in ways I never expected. The main problems I have faced are the fact that Bob will mention my abuser in conversation at any given moment. Initially I wasn’t prepared for that and it would trigger me immensely. Bob also seems to have forgotten that I was abused by this other family member, so that is equally upsetting and very difficult for me to deal with. My health has also suffered and my ongoing stomach problems have intensified due to the stress. I was finally diagnosed with IBS tow...

I feel the need to write a post today due to the injustice that continues to happen in the world. The recent UK scandal involving Jimmy Savile is sickening, not only the way he abused his power and took advantage of vulnerable children, but also the fact that many people turned a blind eye. I believe that anyone who knows of abuse taking place but doesn’t intervene, should also be blamed for the wrongdoing; they are accomplices in a crime. My aunt, for example, knew I was abused but let it continue year after year. I blame her for not having the courage to confront her brother or report him. I really feel for the hundreds of people who were abused by Savile years ago but I admire their strength for coming forward. I only hope that they are compensated with the earnings that the criminal didn’t deserve. I also respect Savile’s family for removing his gravestone. In turn, it has made me angry to think that some of my family paid for a headstone for my abuser. I do not believe he, or ...

I mentioned in a previous post how music can trigger good or bad memories. I’m sure that most people can relate to this. Today a song played during the closing credits of a TV programme and it triggered an old memory. The song was “Shout” by Tears for Fears. Listening to that song took me back to the summer of 1985 in Italy, when I was 7. A young Italian boy there didn’t speak English but he knew the lyrics to that song and he kept singing over and over: “Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without” The lyrics are rather poignant and it’s ironic how the boy didn’t understand what he was singing. That boy was another one of the poor children who suffered at the hands of my abusive uncle. The point I’m trying to make with this post is that survivors don’t constantly live in the past, however, there are things that may happen in our everyday lives that force us to remember the times that weren’t so nice. Many of us have memories that have been repressed for m...

There are many issues I’ve had to work through, some of which I’m still challenged with today. I’ve found it useful if I can analyze why I feel certain emotions in different situations and the triggers that can cause my mood to change so quickly. In a previous post, I wrote about the fact that bathrooms are a huge trigger. To recap, as a child I’d frequently be on the toilet and the abuser would be outside the door trying to come in (my cousin would often be in the room with me, holding the door). Bathrooms have been a challenge but I’ve found a few ways to make it easier, such as: leaving the bathroom door open when at home or only using toilets I’ve used before and feel comfortable with. My biggest challenge has probably been here in China, where I live. The toilets here are often dirty, squat toilets and, in schools, they rarely have a door. I’ve visited many schools around China for my job and if I need to use the bathroom, I don’t know what to expect until I get there. A rece...

It’s the time of year when many families around the world come together, and celebrate in unison. It’s unfortunate that many of those families don’t unite in peace but instead, old family feuds are brought up and emotions intensify. I think that when most people think about Christmas, good or bad memories spring to mind. For some people it might bring them joy and peace when they think back to Christmas festivities. For others it might bring painful memories of suffering and miserable times. In my case, I have a mixture of both positive and negative memories. Although I experienced abuse as a child, I have to say that most of my childhood Christmas memories are good. I have fond memories of my Nan coming to stay with us every year, enjoying good food together and opening presents from under the tree on Christmas morning. There was only one Christmas spent in Italy, in the company of the abuser. Ironically, it’s been in adult life that I’ve had to live with stress and strong em...

Wine Coffee Ice cream A conversation about Things we love In the land shaped like a boot Ping! I’m triggered Like a shoelace slapping me in the face While I could devour it for hours, It also makes me shiver as it Trickles down my throat Take it Have a gelato Eat those ice creams! Which one do you like? Leaning in the car window As though seeing off her lover She tells him what she likes

Yesterday evening I had a conversation about the country my father comes from. Although I like many things about Italy, unfortunately there will always be negative memories attached too. We got on to the subject of ice cream and the word for it in Italian, which is ‘gelato.’ Suddenly, I was transported back in time to a familiar scene on a bench outside my father’s childhood home. It was as though I was a ghost revisiting my past. Sat on the bench were two young girls in shorts and t-shirts, slurping chocolate ice cream from a tub. I watched as the younger of the two followed my uncle up to his car and leaned in the passenger window to tell him which ice cream we wanted. During the night, I dreamt that I was at a table by that bench with my mother and the younger girl’s mother. She was speaking in Italian, a language I speak fluently, however I couldn’t make out what she was saying. She called over her daughter and she hadn’t changed at all or grown up, she was that same little girl ...

After years of suffering from a variety of health issues, I now realise that they all link to my past, most illnesses are psychological after all. As a sufferer of irritable bowel syndrome for the past few years, I’ve recently found out that gastrointestinal problems (GI) may be second only to depression as the most frequent long-term result of child sexual abuse. As many as 71% of female children and adolescents who experience forced sex with an adult for more than two years may later develop GI disorders. About four years ago, I was in a stressful work environment and began having difficulties urinating. I felt very embarrassed as my underwear was constantly soiled and I eventually had to go to the doctor for medication that helped control the involuntary urine loss. The doctor told me I was suffering from urge incontinence; it subsided a little when I left the stressful work place. Sexual abuse survivors have a significantly higher incidence of genitourinary dysfunction symptoms i...

When I was the age they call ‘sweet 16’ I wrote a song titled: “I’m All Alone Again” and now, at twice that age, I suddenly feel the very same sentiment. I guess I’ll always be a loner and that’s something I just need to accept. It’s strange how I’ve come full circle and now find myself almost back in that same situation- kind of a weird flashback. I’ve recently realised many things about my life and the jigsaw pieces have finally fallen into place, so to speak. One night I prayed for answers through endless tears and it’s strange how they suddenly came to me and hit me like a sharp blast of wind. Sometimes we don’t realise what has happened to us until we reflect and look for the reasons why things occurred in our life. I recently had a memory of me as a young girl on the swing in the garden, making up songs and singing for hours on end. Then at 16 years of age, I lost all the things that I had going for me and hid away like a shrinking violet. My passion for music, dance and play...

I told my mother and father that perhaps they should confront the abuser, as I did, to release their anger. Upon reflection, my mother decided it was time to confront him, so I drove my parents to the hospital where he was a patient. I wasn’t planning on going in as I had already told him everything I had to say, but upon arrival I decided to confront that evil face one last time. In the lift I could almost hear the thoughts swimming around in my parents’ brains, once again I felt an unknown power build up inside me. I was the first to emerge from the lift and as I walked out into the corridor there was an old, dying man sat alone in his pyjamas – it was the paedophile. My mother approached him and said, “You are a paedophile and criminal and you will burn in hell.” He tried shouting back but stayed silent when I told him to shut up- once again, I felt as though the roles had reversed. I had a flashback to all those years ago, strapped down to him naked with his hand cupping my mouth t...

A couple of months after I confronted my abuser, I returned to that place full of painful memories. It was the first time in years that I had entered the evil house where so many abusive acts had taken place. As I entered through the rotting, wooden door, an intense heaviness came over me. I could hear a television blaring in the house next door; I knew that it was my abuser viewing it. I felt a sudden burst of adrenaline as I pulled out the posters I had prepared bearing his face and a single word- ‘paedophile.’ I stuck them in various places including some very poignant ones, like a mattress- signifying the place I had been taken advantage of so many times. A calendar- because it was something he would use to lure me there. As I left the house, I felt the heaviness release from within and when I emerged into the wintry air, I cried and my tears melted into the deep snow. Last summer, four years after the initial confrontation, I returned there once more. Although I had gone back ther...

Confronting my abuser was something I decided to do towards the end of my therapy, so I asked my counsellor what her opinion was and she told me if it was what I wanted, that I should do it. Therefore, I had a few extra counselling sessions in order to prepare for the confrontation. During those sessions, I practiced what I wanted to say to the abuser and my counsellor and I did a kind of role-play. She prepared me for the worst by pretending to walk away from me and not want to listen. Finally, that all-important day arrived where I would confront the person who abused me all those years ago. I felt very strong as I was travelling to the house with my father and as though I had nerves of steel. When I was face to face with the abuser, I didn’t shout but calmly said, “I’ve come here to say, I’m not scared of you, you can’t hurt me anymore and I will come here when I want. I did nothing wrong but you did.” “You’re talking about something that happened 20 years ago.” He blurted out. ...

I’m a firm believer in seeing the funny side to things and turning negatives into positives. I’ve been reminiscing today about when I lived in Italy and my father arranged for me to see a counsellor. After having an initial session with a psychiatrist I was referred to a counsellor in the hospital. I still have vivid memories of being sat in her dim office; the curtains were drawn so there was barely any light. She sat smoking a fag and asked me a few questions, which I struggled to answer. I felt so uncomfortable in that bleak room, there were awkward silences and she didn’t make me feel at ease. Also, even though I speak fluent Italian, it just wasn’t the same having therapy in another language. For some reason I returned for another session and it was even worse, the counsellor sat slouched in her chair pulling her fringe down over her eyes! Needless to say, I didn’t return to her as it just wasn’t going anywhere. Fortunately, when I started having therapy in the UK I had an amazing...

When you enter this world and don’t fit in, it can be tough but I guess I’ve kind of got used to it over the years. So why is it that if your face doesn’t fit you’re seen as an outcast and rejected by society? Is it right to ostracise someone because they seem ‘weird’ to you? Perhaps before judging someone, people should consider what the person may have gone through in their life and issues they may have. People should also accept that everyone’s different and no one’s perfect. This is just one of my observations in life, witnessed especially during my experiences of living in various foreign countries. People tend to cluster together like lost sheep but if you ain’t the same colour you ain’t allowed in the flock. Not fitting in with society is possibly a good thing- it means you’re individual at least. Perhaps it’s not a case of fitting in but merely a case of there being different groups of people in the world who connect with each other. I’m very lucky to be part of Pandora’s Aquar...

The human body fascinates me in the way it can heal itself mentally and physically. I’m also still amazed how the human body recognizes it is experiencing something traumatic and therefore produces a defence mechanism to assist in blocking out the pain, Research suggests that some children repeatedly exposed to trauma E.g. Sexual, physical or emotional abuse develop what I believe is a gift from God called ‘dissociation.’ Dissociation is like a survival strategy which enables children to ‘switch off’ psychologically from the traumatic experience. Ever found yourself having ‘one of those days’ where you just can’t snap out of it? Is it good to continue using this technique when danger no longer exists in your life? Today I found myself dissociating in a normal every day situation and I just couldn't snap out of my ‘spaced out’ self. I was asked an ordinary question by someone and just couldn’t reply. I somehow managed to get him to repeat what he had said. While he was asking me if ...