This year I spent the Christmas holidays back in the land where many a horrible thing has happened to me. Although I felt calmer this year, I still waited in anticipation as the month of January loomed over me like a grey cloud. It was nice being with my close family and choosing who I would/wouldn't see. My take on it is that I can count on one hand who I trust in my family, the rest I'm not bothered about seeing. I refuse to visit people who just want to gossip and stab each other in the back.
January is always the worst month of the year for me and no matter how hard I try to block out memories, they still find their way into little cracks in my mind. Ironically, this year they just couldn't wait to get to me. On New Year's Day at dawn I awoke with what felt like a thorn stabbing at my heart. My heart was racing at what felt like 100mph and my head felt like it was going to explode. I arose and went to drink lots of water, thinking I was possibly dehydrated. After two hours, sat alone in a silent house, I returned to bed. Unfortunately I had a flashback to the horrific event I experienced that brought all the painful memories to the surface. I tried to hold back the tears but they flowed out of my tired eyes. Lying there unable to drift off again, I looked up and could barely make out a photo on the wall. It was a photo of my nan's doorway which ironically resembled The Virgin Mary. It made me feel as though my nan was with me and that she was telling me to pray to Mary, as she often did. So I said a few prayers and gently drifted off into a dreamless sleep.