The Blemished Rose

I've previously written about the way that David Gray's music really helped me during difficult times. I was very fortunate to see him live in concert recently and what a great experience that was. As I watched David perform on stage, I experienced a flood of emotions and I knew that it would inspire me to write a poem. So here it is: Gray's Antidote waves of robust timbre illume the veiled depths with hints of shimmering indigo infused with limpid tears notes ripple with serenity healing noxious wounds like a brush of silken feathers that smooths each ingrained crease a storm induced crescendo eliminates the dust that settled for too long in crevices unseen while tones of thunder build and warm up frozen blues sweet aria licks give breath to the wind ‘til sombre clouds pass away ©  Paola Borella

PTSD often causes physical symptoms in people due to a release of hormones. People with PTSD will often keep releasing these hormones even when no longer in danger as ‘fight or flight’ is the natural learnt response. Recently I explained the process of flashbacks to colleagues, and thought it might be worth writing about from first-hand knowledge. In essence, flashbacks are an experience in which one relives a traumatic event and feels as though it is happening at that moment; they're often a result of PTSD, which can be a unique experience to each person that experiences it. When I endured flashbacks, my body would become rigid and I would feel like I was back in that awful place from my past. They would usually be brief but I believe that for some people they can persist for hours or even days. Overall, the flashbacks felt horrible and I often felt so alone and helpless during those episodes. Thankfully I had a great therapist who helped me to cope with them and eventually I ...

On the morning of my recent birthday this year, I quietly contemplated my life and previous celebrations. A tear rolled down my cheek as I started to remember my younger self trying to look happy, but on the inside she was in pain and felt very confused. It was such a powerful memory because as I delved deep inside my soul, I was able to tap into a buried emotion that I didn’t know still existed. Upon reflection, I realise that I felt overwhelmed by people’s kindness and attention on that annual day; behaviour that can easily confuse a child who is being abused. And the end of the day would culminate in an anti-climax that would often lead me to feel very low and tearful. That poor little girl was crying out for help internally but no one could hear her. Over the years I haven’t always enjoyed or wanted to celebrate my birthday and I now understand why. The low self-worth that was ingrained from a young age remained with me for a long time, and as a result, I didn’t feel worthy of ...

When someone shares a difficult or painful story, it is sometimes hard to know what to say. But an uncomfortable silence can sometimes hurt us more than words. In the case of survivors of abuse, they have probably hidden their story for a long time. Therefore, breaking the silence is of utmost importance. So imagine how they might feel if their story and feelings are not acknowledged? Our response can be simple but effective, and most importantly it can show that we empathise. Whenever I listen to survivors and they share something that I sense is difficult, I say, “I’m sorry to hear about your experience, and I’m sorry that you are hurting right now.” My response not only shows empathy, but it also shows that I am joining the survivor in breaking the silence. I also thank survivors for sharing their story because I know how difficult it can be to put a traumatic experience into words. Unfortunately, some people are insensitive and ignorant, and they are the people that could b...

I’ve previously written about the effects of child abuse and the years it can take to heal from traumatic experiences. It takes a lot of courage for a survivor to disclose abuse and seek help. In fact, I was recently surprised to read that the average duration between the start of abuse and accessing support is 20 years. When I worked out the maths in my head I realised that in my case it was 21 years.    Unfortunately for many abuse survivors who choose to disclose their past with family or friends, they may be disbelieved, blamed or experience ignorant responses. These reactions to a survivors’ accounts or feelings are often more damaging than the initial abuse and can result in a survivor feeling worse. This is also referred to as secondary wounding    Upon reflection I realise that I have been repeatedly traumatised throughout my life as a result of peoples’ insensitivity and lack of understanding about abuse. As a result of my disclosure, I experienced a...

Last year, when I was having weekly counselling sessions, I drew a little sketch to illustrate some of my issues. I realised that most of my problems are a result of the core issue: CSA. Counselling enabled me to work through some of my issues and grow in confidence like a blooming rose.                                               When I wrote about these issues last year, I realised that some triggers were making me feel the same way that I did as a child. As I started to feel more confident, I realised that I didn’t deserve to feel that way. The last statement before each rose includes the word ‘deserve’, these are the statements I wrote:                                 ...

In my last two posts I described my recent experience of EMDR and how it really helped me. In this post I’d like to explain in further detail why I needed that therapy. As a result of being frequently reminded of my past, I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was suffering from the most typical symptom – re-experiencing. I was involuntarily and vividly reliving the traumatic event in the form of nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts and images.  I would panic and feel angry when reminded of the trauma. I was frequently anxious and found it difficult to relax and sleep. In addition, my physical health was affected, I suffered from headaches, dizziness and stomach problems. The part of the brain that is responsible for memory and emotion is called the hippocampus. In people with PTSD, the hippocampus may appear smaller in size and therefore the malfunctioning hippocampus is unable to properly process memories and flashbacks. Treatment of PTSD results in process...

I’ve decided to write a follow-up post about my experience of EMDR therapy. I want to share my experience as much as possible in the hope that other survivors will become aware of how beneficial EMDR can be. I didn’t know anything about EMDR prior to my counsellor suggesting it but when I did my own research, I found it quite fascinating.                         I’m going to try to analyse my own case. I was sexually abused repeatedly over many years so my natural coping mechanisms became overloaded. As a result, the memories remained frozen in my brain and unprocessed, in a raw form. Every time I heard the perpetrator's name I would experience painful feelings such as panic and anger, those feelings were constantly triggered and I was unable to live in the present. EMDR enabled me to process the traumatic memories in a natural way and has enabled me to live in the present again.             ...