The Blemished Rose

Retraumatisation can happen at any time to an abuse survivor, perhaps catching them unawares when they thought they were doing okay. We’re only human, I’m only human and I have felt inspired to write this piece after being retraumatised recently in the hope that I may process my thoughts and feelings and perhaps offer insight to other survivors. For some, spending time with family evokes happy memories, and feelings of safety and comfort, but for many abuse survivors it can be just the opposite. And yet we feel obliged to spend time with family because it’s the done thing, regardless of our feelings - which we may not believe are valid or worthy. However, I feel there comes a time in the healing process when we realise that we no longer have to force ourselves to relive situations, feelings or memories with people who disregard or disrespect us. My recent experience was a painful one provoked by a family member blurting out my abuser’s name, which shook me to the core, so much so ...

PTSD often causes physical symptoms in people due to a release of hormones. People with PTSD will often keep releasing these hormones even when no longer in danger as ‘fight or flight’ is the natural learnt response. Recently I explained the process of flashbacks to colleagues, and thought it might be worth writing about from first-hand knowledge. In essence, flashbacks are an experience in which one relives a traumatic event and feels as though it is happening at that moment; they're often a result of PTSD, which can be a unique experience to each person that experiences it. When I endured flashbacks, my body would become rigid and I would feel like I was back in that awful place from my past. They would usually be brief but I believe that for some people they can persist for hours or even days. Overall, the flashbacks felt horrible and I often felt so alone and helpless during those episodes. Thankfully I had a great therapist who helped me to cope with them and eventually I ...

As a survivor of sexual abuse a term I’m familiar with, and have often experienced, is the fight or flight response. I believe it is our way of surviving instinctively when faced with traumatic situations. In my reflections over the past couple of months, I’ve noticed that in certain situations I feel unable to fight or walk away, instead I simply freeze. Intrigued by this revelation and interested in finding out more, I did some research and was relieved to find that the fight or flight response is now referred to as the fight, flight or freeze response. I’m sure we have all seen footage of predatory attacks where an animal suddenly “plays dead” in order to potentially survive. It’s interesting how humans adapt the same technique in dangerous situations. I recently saw a film of a polar bear being chased, he suddenly froze and his body started shaking. Seeing this image of the polar bear shaking made me cast my mind back to a traumatic event in my life. I remember the way my body sh...

Over the past 4 months I’ve been having counselling sessions due to the fact that I’ve been involuntarily living in the past. The biggest trigger I have had to deal with has been mention of the abuser, which has often caught me unawares. For most of the year I have been on tenterhooks, wondering when the perpetrator’s name would be mentioned. Due to these common occurrences, I significantly lost confidence and had low self-esteem.           I’ve often wondered why the human body can heal itself from physical wounds whereas mental wounds are harder to heal. That’s why counselling of any kind is extremely beneficial and being in control of our mental health is very important. I am so grateful to my counsellor who suggested EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing). EMDR is quite amazing as it assists the natural healing ability of the body.               ...

There are many issues I’ve had to work through, some of which I’m still challenged with today. I’ve found it useful if I can analyze why I feel certain emotions in different situations and the triggers that can cause my mood to change so quickly. In a previous post, I wrote about the fact that bathrooms are a huge trigger. To recap, as a child I’d frequently be on the toilet and the abuser would be outside the door trying to come in (my cousin would often be in the room with me, holding the door). Bathrooms have been a challenge but I’ve found a few ways to make it easier, such as: leaving the bathroom door open when at home or only using toilets I’ve used before and feel comfortable with. My biggest challenge has probably been here in China, where I live. The toilets here are often dirty, squat toilets and, in schools, they rarely have a door. I’ve visited many schools around China for my job and if I need to use the bathroom, I don’t know what to expect until I get there. A rece...

There are a number of subjects I'd like to write about in the next couple of posts. Seeing as I live in the land of lies, I figured I'd start with the topic of lies and betrayal. In just 33 years of my life so far, I've seen so much, been through so much and learnt lots of things about people and the world. I dread to think how many times I've been lied to in those 33 years. Living in a country where it's common practice to lie to save face can be tough for someone who has issues trusting people. Of course, people all around the world lie for a variety of reasons but some lies are more damaging or hurtful than others.. When I think of the topic of lies and betrayal, one life experience always springs to mind. It all started one night when I was at a house party with a friend. I hardly drank any alcohol but became increasingly drowsy and eventually passed out. The next morning my friend and I awoke, as I got up from the bed I noticed that my tights were ripped...

Wine Coffee Ice cream A conversation about Things we love In the land shaped like a boot Ping! I’m triggered Like a shoelace slapping me in the face While I could devour it for hours, It also makes me shiver as it Trickles down my throat Take it Have a gelato Eat those ice creams! Which one do you like? Leaning in the car window As though seeing off her lover She tells him what she likes

Yesterday evening I had a conversation about the country my father comes from. Although I like many things about Italy, unfortunately there will always be negative memories attached too. We got on to the subject of ice cream and the word for it in Italian, which is ‘gelato.’ Suddenly, I was transported back in time to a familiar scene on a bench outside my father’s childhood home. It was as though I was a ghost revisiting my past. Sat on the bench were two young girls in shorts and t-shirts, slurping chocolate ice cream from a tub. I watched as the younger of the two followed my uncle up to his car and leaned in the passenger window to tell him which ice cream we wanted. During the night, I dreamt that I was at a table by that bench with my mother and the younger girl’s mother. She was speaking in Italian, a language I speak fluently, however I couldn’t make out what she was saying. She called over her daughter and she hadn’t changed at all or grown up, she was that same little girl ...

This year I spent the Christmas holidays back in the land where many a horrible thing has happened to me. Although I felt calmer this year, I still waited in anticipation as the month of January loomed over me like a grey cloud. It was nice being with my close family and choosing who I would/wouldn't see. My take on it is that I can count on one hand who I trust in my family, the rest I'm not bothered about seeing. I refuse to visit people who just want to gossip and stab each other in the back. January is always the worst month of the year for me and no matter how hard I try to block out memories, they still find their way into little cracks in my mind. Ironically, this year they just couldn't wait to get to me. On New Year's Day at dawn I awoke with what felt like a thorn stabbing at my heart. My heart was racing at what felt like 100mph and my head felt like it was going to explode. I arose and went to drink lots of water, thinking I was possibly dehydrated. After tw...

After years of suffering from a variety of health issues, I now realise that they all link to my past, most illnesses are psychological after all. As a sufferer of irritable bowel syndrome for the past few years, I’ve recently found out that gastrointestinal problems (GI) may be second only to depression as the most frequent long-term result of child sexual abuse. As many as 71% of female children and adolescents who experience forced sex with an adult for more than two years may later develop GI disorders. About four years ago, I was in a stressful work environment and began having difficulties urinating. I felt very embarrassed as my underwear was constantly soiled and I eventually had to go to the doctor for medication that helped control the involuntary urine loss. The doctor told me I was suffering from urge incontinence; it subsided a little when I left the stressful work place. Sexual abuse survivors have a significantly higher incidence of genitourinary dysfunction symptoms i...