The Blemished Rose

On the morning of my recent birthday this year, I quietly contemplated my life and previous celebrations. A tear rolled down my cheek as I started to remember my younger self trying to look happy, but on the inside she was in pain and felt very confused. It was such a powerful memory because as I delved deep inside my soul, I was able to tap into a buried emotion that I didn’t know still existed. Upon reflection, I realise that I felt overwhelmed by people’s kindness and attention on that annual day; behaviour that can easily confuse a child who is being abused. And the end of the day would culminate in an anti-climax that would often lead me to feel very low and tearful. That poor little girl was crying out for help internally but no one could hear her. Over the years I haven’t always enjoyed or wanted to celebrate my birthday and I now understand why. The low self-worth that was ingrained from a young age remained with me for a long time, and as a result, I didn’t feel worthy of ...

I’ve decided to write a follow-up post about my experience of EMDR therapy. I want to share my experience as much as possible in the hope that other survivors will become aware of how beneficial EMDR can be. I didn’t know anything about EMDR prior to my counsellor suggesting it but when I did my own research, I found it quite fascinating.                         I’m going to try to analyse my own case. I was sexually abused repeatedly over many years so my natural coping mechanisms became overloaded. As a result, the memories remained frozen in my brain and unprocessed, in a raw form. Every time I heard the perpetrator's name I would experience painful feelings such as panic and anger, those feelings were constantly triggered and I was unable to live in the present. EMDR enabled me to process the traumatic memories in a natural way and has enabled me to live in the present again.             ...

In my previous post I wrote about self-portraits and how effective they can be for building self-esteem. For a couple of years now I’ve wanted to work with photographers, this year I finally plucked up the courage and went for it. It wasn’t an easy thing to do initially, especially as trusting people isn’t an easy thing for me to do, but I’m glad that I decided to take the plunge. I’ve certainly seen and experienced a lot in the modelling world this year, and there are some things that have really appalled me. For example, on a forum, a 24 year old lady expressed her desire to be a model only to be told by a photographer that she shouldn’t bother as she’s too old. I couldn’t believe what I read! 24 too old? I think it’s a young age, so young in fact that she might be influenced by a comment like that and give up. Regarding the trust issue, unfortunately, it hasn’t all been plain sailing and I’ve dealt with some unreliable people. It’s not simply a case of trusting someone to turn u...

It’s the time of year when many families around the world come together, and celebrate in unison. It’s unfortunate that many of those families don’t unite in peace but instead, old family feuds are brought up and emotions intensify. I think that when most people think about Christmas, good or bad memories spring to mind. For some people it might bring them joy and peace when they think back to Christmas festivities. For others it might bring painful memories of suffering and miserable times. In my case, I have a mixture of both positive and negative memories. Although I experienced abuse as a child, I have to say that most of my childhood Christmas memories are good. I have fond memories of my Nan coming to stay with us every year, enjoying good food together and opening presents from under the tree on Christmas morning. There was only one Christmas spent in Italy, in the company of the abuser. Ironically, it’s been in adult life that I’ve had to live with stress and strong em...

Music has healing powers and can affect people in many ways. Oftentimes people associate songs with memories, whether they are good or bad. Sometimes a song’s lyrics can really have an impact on us and it might seem as though the song was written about a particular situation we have experienced. That’s how music connects us so much in the world. We’ve all been through different things in our lives but some of us have been through similar experiences and can empathise with one another. Music is an international language and such a great form of expression. I’ve loved music for as long as I can remember and I feel it’s really helped me in my healing process. Dance was my first way of expressing myself to music. As soon as I could walk, I would twirl around the house on my toes, and still do! I also have memories of me as a child, sitting on the swing in the garden, and making up songs. I remember how I used to imagine I was in a music video while doing it. It all progressed from there...

I feel the need to post about this subject as it's something I frequently observe in life. People who have money often want more. Some people have so much money that they don't know what to do with it. Instead of investing in something worthwhile, they'll whittle it away on useless luxuries. What eventually happens is these people see only themselves and things that they want. They fail to see others in need.. A memory springs to mind: As I walk down the street appreciating the air I breathe and the nature around me, I suddenly see a ghastly sight. A woman walking briskly with a paper coffee cup in her hand, trailing behind her is a puny little man overloaded with shopping bags and his girlfriend's designer handbag. She tosses the paper cup in the gutter and tells him to hurry up as she has more shopping to do. Both of them are completely oblivious to everyone else around them, they are in their own little bubble. I've particularly observed scenes of this natu...

When I was the age they call ‘sweet 16’ I wrote a song titled: “I’m All Alone Again” and now, at twice that age, I suddenly feel the very same sentiment. I guess I’ll always be a loner and that’s something I just need to accept. It’s strange how I’ve come full circle and now find myself almost back in that same situation- kind of a weird flashback. I’ve recently realised many things about my life and the jigsaw pieces have finally fallen into place, so to speak. One night I prayed for answers through endless tears and it’s strange how they suddenly came to me and hit me like a sharp blast of wind. Sometimes we don’t realise what has happened to us until we reflect and look for the reasons why things occurred in our life. I recently had a memory of me as a young girl on the swing in the garden, making up songs and singing for hours on end. Then at 16 years of age, I lost all the things that I had going for me and hid away like a shrinking violet. My passion for music, dance and play...

When you enter this world and don’t fit in, it can be tough but I guess I’ve kind of got used to it over the years. So why is it that if your face doesn’t fit you’re seen as an outcast and rejected by society? Is it right to ostracise someone because they seem ‘weird’ to you? Perhaps before judging someone, people should consider what the person may have gone through in their life and issues they may have. People should also accept that everyone’s different and no one’s perfect. This is just one of my observations in life, witnessed especially during my experiences of living in various foreign countries. People tend to cluster together like lost sheep but if you ain’t the same colour you ain’t allowed in the flock. Not fitting in with society is possibly a good thing- it means you’re individual at least. Perhaps it’s not a case of fitting in but merely a case of there being different groups of people in the world who connect with each other. I’m very lucky to be part of Pandora’s Aquar...