The Blemished Rose

Retraumatisation can happen at any time to an abuse survivor, perhaps catching them unawares when they thought they were doing okay. We’re only human, I’m only human and I have felt inspired to write this piece after being retraumatised recently in the hope that I may process my thoughts and feelings and perhaps offer insight to other survivors. For some, spending time with family evokes happy memories, and feelings of safety and comfort, but for many abuse survivors it can be just the opposite. And yet we feel obliged to spend time with family because it’s the done thing, regardless of our feelings - which we may not believe are valid or worthy. However, I feel there comes a time in the healing process when we realise that we no longer have to force ourselves to relive situations, feelings or memories with people who disregard or disrespect us. My recent experience was a painful one provoked by a family member blurting out my abuser’s name, which shook me to the core, so much so ...

During the current coronavirus situation, more and more people are turning to the media as a source of information, which results in additional anxiety and fear. I see a major flaw in the way that the media communicates with the public as they don’t appear to consider those who are mentally suffering. I often hear ‘we must all pull together in this crisis’, which is all very well for those who are able, but what about those who are already mentally unstable? A depressed person, for example, may not feel able to ‘do their bit for the community’ as just getting out of bed may feel like a chore for them. As a result, they may feel worse about themselves for not being able to help and feelings of guilt may arise.  How has the lockdown affected you? You may have experienced a whirlwind of emotions as your life has changed drastically. In particular, if your life purpose or livelihood has been pulled from under your feet and you wonder what you have left to live for. Thoughts of se...

Sexual abuse or any form of psychological abuse can have lasting effects on a survivor, and in particular will have a detrimental impact on one’s self worth. The main issue is that the value of a survivor of abuse will have been falsely defined by others, which can cause huge problems with identity. As a result of abuse, a survivor will be conditioned to accept that they don’t deserve as much as others and they won’t know how to build a healthy self-esteem. It is common for survivors of abuse to internalise negative thoughts about themselves since abuse damages one’s self worth.  Something important for a survivor to remember is: your abuser’s mistreatment of you does not dictate your value. Surviving abuse and rebuilding self-esteem is not an easy journey but it is possible. Here are some steps that can help someone on their journey. Have a support network It can really help to reach out to friends and family, and talking openly about your issues and healing process ...

When someone shares a difficult or painful story, it is sometimes hard to know what to say. But an uncomfortable silence can sometimes hurt us more than words. In the case of survivors of abuse, they have probably hidden their story for a long time. Therefore, breaking the silence is of utmost importance. So imagine how they might feel if their story and feelings are not acknowledged? Our response can be simple but effective, and most importantly it can show that we empathise. Whenever I listen to survivors and they share something that I sense is difficult, I say, “I’m sorry to hear about your experience, and I’m sorry that you are hurting right now.” My response not only shows empathy, but it also shows that I am joining the survivor in breaking the silence. I also thank survivors for sharing their story because I know how difficult it can be to put a traumatic experience into words. Unfortunately, some people are insensitive and ignorant, and they are the people that could b...

Last year, when I was having weekly counselling sessions, I drew a little sketch to illustrate some of my issues. I realised that most of my problems are a result of the core issue: CSA. Counselling enabled me to work through some of my issues and grow in confidence like a blooming rose.                                               When I wrote about these issues last year, I realised that some triggers were making me feel the same way that I did as a child. As I started to feel more confident, I realised that I didn’t deserve to feel that way. The last statement before each rose includes the word ‘deserve’, these are the statements I wrote:                                 ...

As a result of my last blog post I was spurred on to write to my local MP about mental health services in the UK. I was invited to his surgery and met him yesterday. I voiced my opinion and said that I am speaking on behalf of all survivors who are in need of support.                                                               We discussed support available to survivors during and after a court case. I spoke about my own experience and the fact that I received no support, unfortunately hit rock bottom and tried to take my life. Only then was I offered a lifeline, which in all honesty changed my life. I said that in my case, and in the case of many others, when we finally remember and admit what happened to us, our first instinct is to stop the perpetrator from reoffending. Obviously we are putting the safety of others b...