Retraumatisation

Retraumatisation can happen at any time to an abuse survivor, perhaps catching them unawares when they thought they were doing okay. We’re only human, I’m only human and I have felt inspired to write this piece after being retraumatised recently in the hope that I may process my thoughts and feelings and perhaps offer insight to other survivors.

For some, spending time with family evokes happy memories, and feelings of safety and comfort, but for many abuse survivors it can be just the opposite. And yet we feel obliged to spend time with family because it’s the done thing, regardless of our feelings - which we may not believe are valid or worthy. However, I feel there comes a time in the healing process when we realise that we no longer have to force ourselves to relive situations, feelings or memories with people who disregard or disrespect us.

My recent experience was a painful one provoked by a family member blurting out my abuser’s name, which shook me to the core, so much so that my whole body started shaking uncontrollably and I needed a stiff drink to calm my nerves. It was a frightening and traumatising experience that I have vowed to never endure again. My other family members witnessed my reaction, however it did not stop one of them from hurling verbal abuse in my direction several days later when I had been crying only moments before. That person thought they could take advantage of my apparent vulnerability by knocking me down even further – “abuse the abused.”

It took me quite a while until I could manage to sleep again and feel safe back in my own environment but I got there through inner strength and self-love. None of my family showed any interest in my wellbeing after what happened; a hard and painful realisation to face, but equally helped me realise that while others may not care about us, the only person we have and need to care about us is ourselves. The ultimate lesson for abuse survivors is one of nurturing and loving the inner child and growing into the adult that we should have always been. I endured an abusive childhood that was out of my control, but I do have control of my current life and do not deserve to continue living in that perpetual cycle of abuse.

Retraumatisation is harmful due to how it affects the brain and can provoke flashbacks, nightmares, difficulty sleeping, intense physical reactions, negative emotions/thoughts and feelings of fear and anxiety. Essentially it impedes the healing process and worsens the trauma as a result. So it is essential that people around us respect our emotional boundaries and are mindful of triggers that may harm us. Our mental health support network should be kind, empathic and understanding of our condition – anyone who makes us experience symptoms of trauma does not belong in that network.