The Blemished Rose

In my last two posts I described my recent experience of EMDR and how it really helped me. In this post I’d like to explain in further detail why I needed that therapy. As a result of being frequently reminded of my past, I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I was suffering from the most typical symptom – re-experiencing. I was involuntarily and vividly reliving the traumatic event in the form of nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts and images.  I would panic and feel angry when reminded of the trauma. I was frequently anxious and found it difficult to relax and sleep. In addition, my physical health was affected, I suffered from headaches, dizziness and stomach problems. The part of the brain that is responsible for memory and emotion is called the hippocampus. In people with PTSD, the hippocampus may appear smaller in size and therefore the malfunctioning hippocampus is unable to properly process memories and flashbacks. Treatment of PTSD results in process...

There are many issues I’ve had to work through, some of which I’m still challenged with today. I’ve found it useful if I can analyze why I feel certain emotions in different situations and the triggers that can cause my mood to change so quickly. In a previous post, I wrote about the fact that bathrooms are a huge trigger. To recap, as a child I’d frequently be on the toilet and the abuser would be outside the door trying to come in (my cousin would often be in the room with me, holding the door). Bathrooms have been a challenge but I’ve found a few ways to make it easier, such as: leaving the bathroom door open when at home or only using toilets I’ve used before and feel comfortable with. My biggest challenge has probably been here in China, where I live. The toilets here are often dirty, squat toilets and, in schools, they rarely have a door. I’ve visited many schools around China for my job and if I need to use the bathroom, I don’t know what to expect until I get there. A rece...

This evening I looked back at old posts that I wrote on a forum, the majority of which I wrote when I had a major crisis in 2006. There’s an interesting post where I mentioned something that my therapist once said to me, which was: “You’re very strong, one day you’ll see it.” When I finished having therapy due to the sexual abuse I experienced as a child, I felt so strong and confident. However, 2 months after finishing therapy I was raped. I suddenly felt like I had taken a massive jump back. Because I was working as a teacher, I had to take time off work as I lost a lot of confidence. Unfortunately, some people showed their true colours during that very low time in my life and now that I’m strong I want to write about it here. I want people to realise what it feels like to suffer so much injustice in life and the effects it has. I confided in the colleagues at my school and I was shocked when one colleague asked me if I thought I had really been raped as I had been drugged. Of ...