The Blemished Rose

I'm very excited about the latest anthology in which my work has been published. The title is "Journey to Crone" an anthology by UK publisher Chuffed Buff books. My poems "Venomous Vase" and "Life through My Eyes" are included in this book. I feel honoured to be included in this book by women and about women that was released for International Women's Day. I'm also very happy that my poem "Venomous Vase" was selected as this poem is related to my past. I must admit that I don't write much poetry about that time in my life any more, which I hope is a good thing. The book is available globally through Amazon or via the publisher's website Book description: Celebrating women, this collection of 108 poems by 80 women explores the theme of maiden, mother and crone. It highlights the many personal aspects of womanhood and offers fresh and thought provoking perspectives on what it means to be female.

I feel the need to write a post today due to the injustice that continues to happen in the world. The recent UK scandal involving Jimmy Savile is sickening, not only the way he abused his power and took advantage of vulnerable children, but also the fact that many people turned a blind eye. I believe that anyone who knows of abuse taking place but doesn’t intervene, should also be blamed for the wrongdoing; they are accomplices in a crime. My aunt, for example, knew I was abused but let it continue year after year. I blame her for not having the courage to confront her brother or report him. I really feel for the hundreds of people who were abused by Savile years ago but I admire their strength for coming forward. I only hope that they are compensated with the earnings that the criminal didn’t deserve. I also respect Savile’s family for removing his gravestone. In turn, it has made me angry to think that some of my family paid for a headstone for my abuser. I do not believe he, or ...

I mentioned in a previous post how music can trigger good or bad memories. I’m sure that most people can relate to this. Today a song played during the closing credits of a TV programme and it triggered an old memory. The song was “Shout” by Tears for Fears. Listening to that song took me back to the summer of 1985 in Italy, when I was 7. A young Italian boy there didn’t speak English but he knew the lyrics to that song and he kept singing over and over: “Shout, shout, let it all out, these are the things I can do without” The lyrics are rather poignant and it’s ironic how the boy didn’t understand what he was singing. That boy was another one of the poor children who suffered at the hands of my abusive uncle. The point I’m trying to make with this post is that survivors don’t constantly live in the past, however, there are things that may happen in our everyday lives that force us to remember the times that weren’t so nice. Many of us have memories that have been repressed for m...

In my previous post I wrote about self-portraits and how effective they can be for building self-esteem. For a couple of years now I’ve wanted to work with photographers, this year I finally plucked up the courage and went for it. It wasn’t an easy thing to do initially, especially as trusting people isn’t an easy thing for me to do, but I’m glad that I decided to take the plunge. I’ve certainly seen and experienced a lot in the modelling world this year, and there are some things that have really appalled me. For example, on a forum, a 24 year old lady expressed her desire to be a model only to be told by a photographer that she shouldn’t bother as she’s too old. I couldn’t believe what I read! 24 too old? I think it’s a young age, so young in fact that she might be influenced by a comment like that and give up. Regarding the trust issue, unfortunately, it hasn’t all been plain sailing and I’ve dealt with some unreliable people. It’s not simply a case of trusting someone to turn u...

As I’ve previously mentioned in posts, I’ve reignited my passion for the things I loved doing as a child, such as: writing poetry and songs, drawing, taking photos and dancing. Ballet was always my first passion and I started training at 4 years old. I’ve started doing more ballet recently for pure enjoyment and because it’s such a good form of physical exercise. As I’ve started remembering steps and things I learnt, I’ve also started remembering things I experienced in the dance world. I have fond memories of dance competitions I took part in and a memory of an adjudicator referring to me as “a budding little dancer.” It was when I got older that I experienced how cutthroat the theatre world really can be. A theatre performance can seem so glamorous with all the fancy costumes, dazzling smiles and dramatic lighting but the real drama often happens behind the scenes in a world that is so competitive. Performers can be so critical of one another, as well as themselves, and won’t hesitat...

About 4 years ago, I started taking self-portraits; I didn’t really know why I was taking them other than for enjoyment. I would usually take the photos when I was in a particular mood, for example if I was feeling very happy or a little sad. In the past couple of months I’ve realised the reason behind my self-portraits, I believe they are for therapeutic purposes. After having felt so ugly and worthless for many years, the photos have helped me improve my confidence and self-esteem. In some photos, I do ballet poses; I feel this has helped me connect even more with my inner child who loved ballet so much. I’ve not only developed a photographic journal but also a love and passion for photography and modelling. Photography was another hobby I enjoyed as a child but as I gradually gave up on life, I inevitably gave up on my creative skills too. I’ve been reflecting on my life and, although I’ve been successful in the things I’ve chosen to do, I also feel that so many years were wasted....

There are many issues I’ve had to work through, some of which I’m still challenged with today. I’ve found it useful if I can analyze why I feel certain emotions in different situations and the triggers that can cause my mood to change so quickly. In a previous post, I wrote about the fact that bathrooms are a huge trigger. To recap, as a child I’d frequently be on the toilet and the abuser would be outside the door trying to come in (my cousin would often be in the room with me, holding the door). Bathrooms have been a challenge but I’ve found a few ways to make it easier, such as: leaving the bathroom door open when at home or only using toilets I’ve used before and feel comfortable with. My biggest challenge has probably been here in China, where I live. The toilets here are often dirty, squat toilets and, in schools, they rarely have a door. I’ve visited many schools around China for my job and if I need to use the bathroom, I don’t know what to expect until I get there. A rece...