Saturday, 30 April 2011

Controlling alters

Having DID and living with different alters can be a bit confusing at times. I’m very aware of my alters and the personality of each one. The alter I have the most issues with is very naughty and flirtatious, she’s a tease but seems to know what she wants and usually gets it. Unfortunately, I still haven’t quite got to grips with controlling her so there have been times where she’s gone wild. I have a memory of being at a bar with a guy and she completely took over my personality. What’s strange is that I don’t know what she specifically said or did.

I think I’m getting better at controlling and disciplining her and only allowing her out when I feel like it. However, recently she took control of me one evening when I was out and possibly went a little too far. She was her usual life and soul of the party; she danced and got lots of attention, which she loved. Later on, she spoke with someone and went a little over the top.

The following day I began switching back and I felt awful about what she had done. I just hope she hasn’t ruined things for me like she has done so many times in the past. She’s been known to wreck jobs, friendships, relationships and my life.

I recently spoke to another survivor about this and realised that alters can become more prominent when we’re around people we trust and feel safe with. That makes sense as this one in particular shows her face when I’m around someone I trust implicitly. It feels strange talking in first and third person but she is a part of me after all. I feel as though I need to try to merge this alter with my personality to make me feel whole and in control. I just hope that people can understand my actions, it sure is hard for me to understand sometimes but I’m working on it.

2 comments:

  1. Glad you are able to share with others alike what you are going through. Blessings to you dear one.

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  2. Thanks for reading. Glad to be able to share and it helps to know I'm not the only one...

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