Confronting my abuser was something I decided to do towards the end of my therapy, I asked my counsellor what she thought about it and she was behind me. So I had a few extra sessions in order to prepare for the confrontation. During those sessions I practiced what I wanted to say to the abuser and my counsellor and I did a kind of role-play. She prepared me for the worst, by pretending to walk away from me and not want to listen.
Finally that all important day arrived where I would confront the person who abused me all those years ago. I felt very strong and as I was travelling to the house, I felt as though I had nerves of steel. My father came with me for moral support. I didn’t shout but calmly said: “I’ve come here to say, I’m not scared of you, you can’t hurt me anymore and I will come here when I want. I did nothing wrong but you did.” He suddenly said: “You’re talking about something that happened 20 years ago.” (so I kind of got an admission) and he ran and hid behind a door. I was angered by his cowardice so I shouted, “Scared are you? Why don’t you come out?” The coward came out from hiding, I felt so powerful and as though the roles had now reversed. I approached him and said firmly: “I’m not scared of you, do you understand? You can’t hurt me anymore.” He looked like a weak little hermit and I felt like a strong, powerful woman.
Once I had finished, he sat down and started shouting. Something very strange happened, I could see his mouth moving but I heard no sound coming from his mouth. I had said everything I needed to say so I walked out of the house with my head held high. I went next door to my aunt’s house and burst into tears, she hugged me. I felt relieved that I had done it and released my emotions in the way I had wanted to.
That was a special day and a very important one to me. I was lucky to have my father, and some other family members there who supported me that day. I guess I didn’t know how I’d react until I saw him, however I still tell people that confronting was one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life. It left me feeling liberated and even stronger than I was before. I feel if I could do something like that then I can aspire to anything I want in life.
A few days later my father said that he avoided going to a certain bar because it was somewhere his brother (the abuser) frequented. This made me feel angry so I told my father to take me there. Sure enough we arrived and the abuser was sat outside playing cards, I shouted: “Dad, it smells of shit out here.” I felt angry that he was still living the life of a free person and that people still talk to him even when they know what he did. I was also angry that my father feels he can’t go there because of him. So when we left, I approached the table and shouted, “You’ve got a nerve coming here you piece of shit.” Of course he stayed quiet and kept his head down; as he felt guilty, humiliated and probably thought he could gain sympathy.
If confronting your abuser is something you are considering doing, I’d advise that you prepare for it beforehand either with a friend or your therapist. Plan everything that you want to say so that you feel confident and ready. Also, it might be an idea to have some family or friends with you for moral support as it will be an emotional experience. It also depends on the relationship you have with the abuser as to whether you notify them of your visit or not. Ultimately you should do what you feel comfortable with as it will be an important day that you will never forget.
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
Healing with laughter
I’m a firm believer in seeing the funny side to things and turning negatives into positives. I’ve been reminiscing today about when I lived in Italy and my father arranged for me to see a counsellor. After having an initial session with a psychiatrist I was referred to a counsellor in the hospital. I still have vivid memories of being sat in her dim office; the curtains were drawn so there was barely any light. She sat smoking a fag and asked me a few questions, which I struggled to answer. I felt so uncomfortable in that bleak room, there were awkward silences and she didn’t make me feel at ease. Also, even though I speak fluent Italian, it just wasn’t the same having therapy in another language. For some reason I returned for another session and it was even worse, the counsellor sat slouched in her chair pulling her fringe down over her eyes! Needless to say, I didn’t return to her as it just wasn’t going anywhere.
Fortunately, when I started having therapy in the UK I had an amazing counsellor called Joanne. I’ll never forget her and how she helped me get through that terrible time in my life. I remember in my first session I said to her: “I don’t think I’ll ever get over this.” Obviously I did and in our last session she said to me: “You came here like a little girl but you’re leaving like a woman.” She was so right, I had come a long way in my healing and she had observed it every week. What made her not just a good counsellor but a great counsellor is the fact that I could tell she genuinely cared and was concerned. I also liked the fact that, like me, she has a sense of humour which is so important in life. I remember when we were preparing for my confrontation and I was a bit concerned that the abuser could get violent, she replied: “What’s an old man going to be able to do?” We laughed together and I felt great. I often laugh out loud but I don’t care if people think I’m crazy, at least I can laugh at myself.
Fortunately, when I started having therapy in the UK I had an amazing counsellor called Joanne. I’ll never forget her and how she helped me get through that terrible time in my life. I remember in my first session I said to her: “I don’t think I’ll ever get over this.” Obviously I did and in our last session she said to me: “You came here like a little girl but you’re leaving like a woman.” She was so right, I had come a long way in my healing and she had observed it every week. What made her not just a good counsellor but a great counsellor is the fact that I could tell she genuinely cared and was concerned. I also liked the fact that, like me, she has a sense of humour which is so important in life. I remember when we were preparing for my confrontation and I was a bit concerned that the abuser could get violent, she replied: “What’s an old man going to be able to do?” We laughed together and I felt great. I often laugh out loud but I don’t care if people think I’m crazy, at least I can laugh at myself.
Tuesday, 24 March 2009
Fitting in
When you enter this world and don’t fit in, it can be tough but I guess I’ve kind of got used to it over the years. So why is it that if your face doesn’t fit you’re seen as an outcast and rejected by society?
This is just one of my observations in life, witnessed especially during my experiences of living in various foreign countries. People tend to cluster together like lost sheep but if you ain’t the same colour you ain’t allowed in the flock. Not fitting in with society is possibly a good thing- it means you’re individual at least.
Perhaps it’s not a case of fitting in but merely a case of there being different groups of people in the world who connect with each other. I’m very lucky to be part of Pandora’s Aquarium (a support network for rape and sexual abuse survivors) and I’m so happy to fit in there!
Is it right to ostracise someone because they seem ‘weird’ to you? Perhaps before judging someone, people should consider what the person may have gone through in their life and issues they may have. People should also accept that everyone’s different and no one’s perfect.
Unfortunately, I often lose faith in humanity especially when I’m trying to do something good. My latest project is to set up a support group for survivors of incest and abuse; however it seems the community centre that I approached thinks that “mothers coffee mornings” is a much more important subject matter!
This is just one of my observations in life, witnessed especially during my experiences of living in various foreign countries. People tend to cluster together like lost sheep but if you ain’t the same colour you ain’t allowed in the flock. Not fitting in with society is possibly a good thing- it means you’re individual at least.
Perhaps it’s not a case of fitting in but merely a case of there being different groups of people in the world who connect with each other. I’m very lucky to be part of Pandora’s Aquarium (a support network for rape and sexual abuse survivors) and I’m so happy to fit in there!
Is it right to ostracise someone because they seem ‘weird’ to you? Perhaps before judging someone, people should consider what the person may have gone through in their life and issues they may have. People should also accept that everyone’s different and no one’s perfect.
Unfortunately, I often lose faith in humanity especially when I’m trying to do something good. My latest project is to set up a support group for survivors of incest and abuse; however it seems the community centre that I approached thinks that “mothers coffee mornings” is a much more important subject matter!
Saturday, 7 March 2009
Dissociative Identity Disorder
I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that I have DID and have been doing a bit of research into it. Those of you who haven’t heard of it, it is characterized by the existence of two or more distinct personality states that have the capacity to take control of the body, and the inability to recall personal information. There may also be other symptoms like: depression, obsessive/compulsive behaviour and eating disorders.
According to what I’ve read, the ‘alter’ is usually either protective or destructive. My most prevalent ‘alter’, who wishes to remain anonymous for this blog, first showed her face about five years ago (before I had started therapy) but also at a time when I had just realized abuse had taken place in my past. She emerged as the naughty side to me, the side to me that may not have been exposed otherwise. Sometimes she tries to take control too much so I have to fight it as she also has destructive tendencies. Body image seems to be her primary concern and if it means skipping meals then so be it.
I have another ‘alter’ who has become more prominent recently. This one is a lot more responsible and sophisticated than the other one. She cares for Paola, looks elegant, is confident and knows what she wants. She seems to be the protective part of me, looking out for me and ultimately not allowing me to get hurt. Her theory seems to be: “Men can’t use me if I use them first.”
Dissociation is something that children acquire and it protects them during traumatic experiences. Dissociative Identity Disorder is something that develops later in adulthood and is again a defense mechanism where the mind splits into two, allowing the other personality to deal with the bad experiences that we don’t wish to remember. It’s not necessary to integrate the personalities but is possible.
According to some studies, the 'average' person diagnosed with DID spends seven years in the mental health system before being properly diagnosed, due to misdiagnosis and lack of training on the part of therapists to spot the disorder. So that’s why it’s so important to break the silence and for people to be more aware of these personality disorders that aren’t “all in our head.”
According to what I’ve read, the ‘alter’ is usually either protective or destructive. My most prevalent ‘alter’, who wishes to remain anonymous for this blog, first showed her face about five years ago (before I had started therapy) but also at a time when I had just realized abuse had taken place in my past. She emerged as the naughty side to me, the side to me that may not have been exposed otherwise. Sometimes she tries to take control too much so I have to fight it as she also has destructive tendencies. Body image seems to be her primary concern and if it means skipping meals then so be it.
I have another ‘alter’ who has become more prominent recently. This one is a lot more responsible and sophisticated than the other one. She cares for Paola, looks elegant, is confident and knows what she wants. She seems to be the protective part of me, looking out for me and ultimately not allowing me to get hurt. Her theory seems to be: “Men can’t use me if I use them first.”
Dissociation is something that children acquire and it protects them during traumatic experiences. Dissociative Identity Disorder is something that develops later in adulthood and is again a defense mechanism where the mind splits into two, allowing the other personality to deal with the bad experiences that we don’t wish to remember. It’s not necessary to integrate the personalities but is possible.
According to some studies, the 'average' person diagnosed with DID spends seven years in the mental health system before being properly diagnosed, due to misdiagnosis and lack of training on the part of therapists to spot the disorder. So that’s why it’s so important to break the silence and for people to be more aware of these personality disorders that aren’t “all in our head.”
Monday, 16 February 2009
Dealing with dissociation
The human body fascinates me in the way it can heal itself mentally and physically. I’m also still amazed how the human body recognizes it is experiencing something traumatic and therefore produces a defence mechanism to assist in blocking out the pain,
Research suggests that some children repeatedly exposed to trauma E.g. Sexual, physical or emotional abuse develop what I believe is a gift from God called ‘dissociation.’ Dissociation is like a survival strategy which enables children to ‘switch off’ psychologically from the traumatic experience.
Ever found yourself having ‘one of those days’ where you just can’t snap out of it? Is it good to continue using this technique when danger no longer exists in your life?
Today I found myself dissociating in a normal every day situation and I just couldn't snap out of my ‘spaced out’ self. I was asked an ordinary question by someone and just couldn’t reply. I somehow managed to get him to repeat what he had said. While he was asking me if I knew where some books were, I realized I was staring straight through him, unable to answer the simple question. I must have looked like a zombie, it was quite embarrassing!
When I left the building I found myself dissociating while crossing the road, not very safe! So at that point I had to intervene and began flicking my wrist to try and snap out of it. This is just one technique I use, others include:
- Distracting myself in some way: playing mahjong and going for a run seem to do the trick!
- Using the “thought stopping” technique and mentally shouting “No.”
- Making a positive affirmation and saying it in my head E.g. “I’m in control of my mind, I’m not in danger.”
As they say, time is a healer. After having recognized dissociation and when you are experiencing it, only then can you start dealing with it. Although sometimes it is something unwanted in life I also believe it can be seen in a positive light as your body tries to protect you. Who knows- if I am ever fortunate enough to experience childbirth, perhaps I could try and voluntarily dissociate from the physical pain!!
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